Friday, January 16, 2009

Talk Me Down

Pinch me already because it seems I'm in a waking state and dreaming.  I'm not certain if it's a good dream, or the makings of a nightmare.  The agency we're working with has found three adult women to move into our home with Miss Rachel.  We've been inching toward this for so long and were not having luck finding roommates for our daughter; the early morning call to give us the news was a complete surprise.  Now I feel like I'm on a runaway train.

Next week, we'll meet the women individually with their guardians or parents to see if we'll have a good fit here with them.  I'm nervous.  I'm not anxious about me liking them, I'm anxious they'll not like me or the house.  How crazy is that?  I really want this to work out alright and I'm getting my hair in a knot thinking things won't work.   As a family, we've had so many hard knocks that it's accepted thought that something will go wrong.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and for the universe to kick me back into my place.  I must be very cheeky to think it's finally time to live a normal sort of life.

We've been casually looking for a house to move into ourselves and now I'm thinking, what do I take and what do I leave?  They won't have much to make it a home if I take it all.  I can't leave the antiques-those absolutely have to go with us.  So does the dog.  My yarn.  My knitting books.  My favorite reads.  What about the junk in the kitchen?  What do I take?  The Kitchen Aid, the coffee pot, and the Cuisinart all have to go.  My Global knives. My All-Clad pots.  My art.  My Tempurpedic bed.  It's hard to separate the wheat from the chaff because what may seem of little value, may actually be quite special.  Things like the cutting board my son made for me, or the pottery my daughter made in grade school are all precious.

I don't even know where to begin and suddenly feel quite nauseous about it all.  Of course I'm solely focused on the concrete things that make a house a home, but what I think is really making me spin is the thought of whether or not this is the right thing for our daughter.  It is, right?  She deserves to attempt to blossom.  She needs to have a place in a home in the event we weren't here anymore.  I've seen what happens when families fail to plan, and their kids end up in nursing homes or institutions.  I'd be broken hearted if this happened to her.  This way, we have control and she has a real home.

Selfishly, can it really be time for me?  For us?  It's been so hard to stay glued together when it seemed so many times, the sky was falling.  Can we really have the freedom we've wanted for so many years? It may not seem like a big deal to most people, but even running up to a convenience store at midnight has taken planning for us.  Can we really just pick up and run to Toronto or Chicago for a weekend?  Slap me silly!  I can't believe it's true.


Brenda said...

Wow. This sounds like exciting news for all of you. Changes are scary though, or they are for me. I think everything will turn out for the best. I feel it in my bones.

Rudee said...

From your mouth to God's ear Brenda. If my friend Sister Jeanne is reading, maybe she can say a little prayer all works out well too.

Winifred said...

Maybe it's your time Rudee. I'll say some prayers and light a candle for your family that this works for you all.

distracted by shiny objects said...

Baby steps and Plan B's. You work on the details, I'll keep my fingers crossed. At. All. Times. It's hard to drive that way, but I'm a giver. Seriously, many prayers and blessings blowing in your way from our home.

distracted by shiny objects said...

PS. Does this mean we can go on a beach vacation with Sting?? I'd better start on shaving my legs--might take some time...

laurie said...

the plan that sounded admittedly drastic the first time i read about it now sounds wonderful and close to reality.

take things gradually; can you do it that way? if you find you need something, you can pop back and get it and check on your daughter at the same time?

or wouldn't it work that way?

i'm hoping for you. freedom will feel odd at first. but it will feel good quite soon.

sue b said...

deep breaths, deep breaths

Rositta said...

Yours is the only blog I read today and I'm glad. I'm thinking of you and pray that things will turn out for the best, whatever that may be. Toronto is waiting and the guest room is ready...ciao

Anonymous said...

The motor neurons in your brain are running rampant!

the rotten correspondent said...

You've planned it out so well and thought it through so thoroughly. You've already weighed the pros and cons and decided that this is the right thing to do. You know in your heart that you're making the right move.

But it is going to take some getting used to. Sort of like that first day of school when you dropped them off and they screamed and cried for you. You knew it would be okay, but it was excruciating actually walking away.
And then you got in your car and drove off and realized that you had two or three hours just to yourself, and when you got back they were happy and thriving.

Only yours is on a much bigger scale.

Sandy said...

Oh ....what an exciting and stressful time ahead. I hope it works out ...and yes you definitely deserve to have time for a little normalcy...What to take that would be so hard for me to figure out!

So how many will actually move in.

Rudee said...

Winifred-thanks. I think I'll go light some candles too.

Distracted, I thank you. I don't know about Sting, but you're welcome to come to Florida-even if you don't shave your legs.

Laurie, I've had a lump in my throat since we started discussing this, but since this is our home, the agency is giving us final approval on the roommates. We can come and go as much as we like and pick Rachel up and take her anywhere at anytime. It'll be her home and last I checked, I'm still mom. The best thing is it's a home, not an institution.

Ok Sue. Deep breaths.

Rositta, I'll be there, but not until it warms up a tad.

Anon-you're right. eventually I will calm down.

RC-we've seen other kids blossom and learn more skills when "on their own." Of course she'll never be on her own, but lacking a suitable enabler, she may do really well.

Sandy- it'll be 4 young women of various levels of function. Rachel is 19, 2 are in their mid twenties and one is in her early 40s. A good mix.

debra said...

I sure hope things work out for you. This will be a week for and of change.

Betty Flocken said...

OH Rudee this sounds so wonderful. Don't feel guilt - It's a gift for you and your daughter. Your plan is wonderful and she'll be ok if you are not here anymore.
It is your time I'll send you back that hug and pray all goes well next week.

Anonymous said...

Take the antiques, the kitchen stuff, the bed, the yarn, the dog, the boy, dad, and of course your MAC. To ease your mind I will take inventory on the rest. I will start with your jewelry box, and work my way through the rest of the house. I wonder if now would be a good time to have a heating and cooling company come out to snake the vents for Rachey's hidden stash of miscellaneous items that have gone missing over the years. If only she had made a map for the treasure hunt.... watches, gold, diamonds, necklaces, money...She really is a smart girl.