Thank You Joyce

Photo: Knitty.com  Clapotis by Kate Gilbert

My new friend Joyce, she of the great international sock swap package, has very sweetly pointed out that I just may be the last knitter on the planet who has not yet started knitting Clapotis. This is a viral knit scarf pattern by Kate Gilbert that more than 7,300 knitters on Ravelry have completed and close to 3,200 knitters have in the queue. Make that 3,201. Better late than never.  

I've been feeling a wee bit sorry for myself due to growing pains at work.  As accomplished as I am as a critical care nurse, it seems I have a lot to learn as a hospice nurse.  Don't get me wrong, the moment I'm with a patient, I'm 100% confident.  I do what I've always done without pause.  I am able to provide comfort and compassion to a patient or family in need and I've gotten wonderful feedback from patients that lets me know I'm on the right track.  I love this aspect of my job.  I do. My problem is in the clerical department.  I am feeling completely baffled by the paper demands of this job.  

My department services 7 different hospitals that live together under one umbrella.  All 7 have differences in policies-even though they live under the same roof.  I've got to know the nuances of each.  In addition, some docs, not our hospice docs, can be a pain in the ass.  They order hospice and when I get to the house, they don't call me back.  I just sit there waiting for one of these guys to get off his high horse and give me a jingle.  Talk about a time suck.   And just as I mastered the paperwork aspect of my job, I was handed a fiddly little laptop and with a meager inservice, set loose to do, what is to all of my colleagues, "easy."  Everything in the laptop corresponds to every piece of paper.  No brainer, right?  Not so fast there, little nurse smartie pants.  No, it isn't a no brainer.  The program is full of glitches. It's hard as hell.  I give the clerical staff a lot of credit.  I just wish they'd give me the same.

So, for one week, since last Tuesday, I've averaged one start of care per day and sometimes, two.  I do all of it on paper and take it home, and then, DUPLICATE it on the laptop.  What I learned in one day last Tuesday, had seeped out of my brain by 9 PM Tuesday night.  I completely messed up 5 starts of care.  I heard I'd messed it up, not from my supervisor nor the clerical staff themselves, but from a colleague.  It seems, my ineptness had become a topic of discussion with the clerical staff.  Not only do I have a shitload of care starts to fix, I have a severe ringing in my ears to contend with.

I am so frustrated with this style of teaching.  I used to mentor and precept new nurses in my last position and I know for a fact, people don't learn by hearing gossip as feedback.  In fact, it's counterproductive.  This came to my attention, through another nurse, yesterday.  As soon as I heard it, I began to stew.  By this morning, I was counting the months off on my fingers-I'm three away from being able to bail on this job and apply for another within my system.  By this afternoon, I was tearful about the whole mess.  I'm not embarrassed.  I'm OVERWHELMED. I am completely and utterly in over my head.  I'm close to wanting to say screw it and go back to figuring out whether Levophed, Vasopressin and Xigris are compatible  in the same IV line.  I feel defeated-and it's the gossip that has got me down. 

Today, I went into work, on my own time, and spent 2 hours with the nurse educator (at my own request) to try to figure where I was going wrong.  She told me, each and every one of these people has had issues with the computer program.  Every one of them.  So why I ask, are these people so hard on me?  Aren't we all in this together?  As a challenge, I'd like to invite them out with me.  On a dark night, to a bad neighborhood, with a challenging patient and family, they can come out to do what I do.  I shall stand in judgement of the care they render.

Whew.  So you see, Joyce has pointed out a wonderful way to make myself feel better.  On my dinner break tonight, I'm going to rectify the lack of Clapotis on my knitting resume.  It couldn't have come at a better time.  Thank you Joyce, I feel my blood pressure falling as I consider the yarn I'll use.