Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Thank You Joyce

Photo:  Clapotis by Kate Gilbert

My new friend Joyce, she of the great international sock swap package, has very sweetly pointed out that I just may be the last knitter on the planet who has not yet started knitting Clapotis. This is a viral knit scarf pattern by Kate Gilbert that more than 7,300 knitters on Ravelry have completed and close to 3,200 knitters have in the queue. Make that 3,201. Better late than never.  

I've been feeling a wee bit sorry for myself due to growing pains at work.  As accomplished as I am as a critical care nurse, it seems I have a lot to learn as a hospice nurse.  Don't get me wrong, the moment I'm with a patient, I'm 100% confident.  I do what I've always done without pause.  I am able to provide comfort and compassion to a patient or family in need and I've gotten wonderful feedback from patients that lets me know I'm on the right track.  I love this aspect of my job.  I do. My problem is in the clerical department.  I am feeling completely baffled by the paper demands of this job.  

My department services 7 different hospitals that live together under one umbrella.  All 7 have differences in policies-even though they live under the same roof.  I've got to know the nuances of each.  In addition, some docs, not our hospice docs, can be a pain in the ass.  They order hospice and when I get to the house, they don't call me back.  I just sit there waiting for one of these guys to get off his high horse and give me a jingle.  Talk about a time suck.   And just as I mastered the paperwork aspect of my job, I was handed a fiddly little laptop and with a meager inservice, set loose to do, what is to all of my colleagues, "easy."  Everything in the laptop corresponds to every piece of paper.  No brainer, right?  Not so fast there, little nurse smartie pants.  No, it isn't a no brainer.  The program is full of glitches. It's hard as hell.  I give the clerical staff a lot of credit.  I just wish they'd give me the same.

So, for one week, since last Tuesday, I've averaged one start of care per day and sometimes, two.  I do all of it on paper and take it home, and then, DUPLICATE it on the laptop.  What I learned in one day last Tuesday, had seeped out of my brain by 9 PM Tuesday night.  I completely messed up 5 starts of care.  I heard I'd messed it up, not from my supervisor nor the clerical staff themselves, but from a colleague.  It seems, my ineptness had become a topic of discussion with the clerical staff.  Not only do I have a shitload of care starts to fix, I have a severe ringing in my ears to contend with.

I am so frustrated with this style of teaching.  I used to mentor and precept new nurses in my last position and I know for a fact, people don't learn by hearing gossip as feedback.  In fact, it's counterproductive.  This came to my attention, through another nurse, yesterday.  As soon as I heard it, I began to stew.  By this morning, I was counting the months off on my fingers-I'm three away from being able to bail on this job and apply for another within my system.  By this afternoon, I was tearful about the whole mess.  I'm not embarrassed.  I'm OVERWHELMED. I am completely and utterly in over my head.  I'm close to wanting to say screw it and go back to figuring out whether Levophed, Vasopressin and Xigris are compatible  in the same IV line.  I feel defeated-and it's the gossip that has got me down. 

Today, I went into work, on my own time, and spent 2 hours with the nurse educator (at my own request) to try to figure where I was going wrong.  She told me, each and every one of these people has had issues with the computer program.  Every one of them.  So why I ask, are these people so hard on me?  Aren't we all in this together?  As a challenge, I'd like to invite them out with me.  On a dark night, to a bad neighborhood, with a challenging patient and family, they can come out to do what I do.  I shall stand in judgement of the care they render.

Whew.  So you see, Joyce has pointed out a wonderful way to make myself feel better.  On my dinner break tonight, I'm going to rectify the lack of Clapotis on my knitting resume.  It couldn't have come at a better time.  Thank you Joyce, I feel my blood pressure falling as I consider the yarn I'll use.  


Anonymous said...

It is no wonder you are so overwhelmed. The training/management style makes no sense. It seems like it would take away what you are really there, and want to do, work with the Hospice patients.

I'm glad you found that wonderful project from Joyce. Let us see how it turns out. It looks amazing from the photo.

Hope things get better and happy knitting!

Brenda said...

UGHHH..the cattiness of others is something that is extremely difficult for me, wheather it be work, church, next door neighbor. Why do people have to be like that?!??! I have seen that first hand when family members have had in home health care, and the visiting nurse was read the riot act from another nurse (who was a family member) less. So quick to judge and needle the visiting nurse..I couldn't believe my ears! It was embarrassing to watch. This may not even have anything to do with your experience...sorry I just went off on my own rant!

Rudee said...

Thanks Eileen. Management isn't the issue-they are professional. It's the ancillary staff giving me heartburn/ache. I'm hoping to get proficient and need to overlook the pettiness and my own growing pains. It's so hard to go from proficient in one are to duh in another! I am about 40 rows into my new project. Maybe tomorrow, I'll post a picture.

Rudee said...

I hear you Brenda. I've seen that myself. Doctors and nurses who are clients, can be the worst. We make horrible patients-and we are worse when it's a loved one who is the patient. I think it's because of a loss of control over the circumstances. We're so used to being the ones who call and give the shots!

Sandy said...

I feel for you!!!! That sounds so tough, so very tough. And yes, why all the damn gossip. Are people so insecure that they have to continually knock someone down so they can go home and feel better.

I feel for you, I truly do and I hope you get a handle on the issues with the paperwork because it sounds like your job is hard enough without all that.

may I give you a (((rudee))) hug.

Rudee said...

Thank you Sandy. I feel better today...I think.

Rositta said...

If you were closer I'd rush right over and give you a big hug. I hate gossip in any form and ten lashes with a wet noodle to all your co workers who indulge in this nasty habit. I haven't done a Clapotis either, I found the pattern overwhelming...maybe some day...ciao

Anonymous said...

That is a whole lot of activity at work. Hang in there.

And for what it's worth? I've never cast on for Clapotis. Never even picked out yarn for it. I like it and will probably do it someday. But you won't be the last.

Rudee said...

Rositta and Amy, I started Clapotis this morning and cast on with Dale of Norway's Sisek that has been in my stash begging for a project. I'm on a roll. For what it's worth Rositta, I found the pattern overwhelming in words but in action? Pretty simple.

ibknitn said...

I'm sorry that work is so upsetting for you. I hope that knitting your clapotis gives you many hours of peacefulness. I find it a very meditative knit, must be why I've made so many :) Do post a pic when you get a chance.
Joyful knitting,

Rudee said...

ibknitn-- I love that name. Is that your license plate too? I'm liking the pattern and I've down loaded the chart. Thanks for the suggestion-it was just what I needed. A little meditation.

She Knits Socks said...

I'm so sorry that you have to work with Idiots. Management should step in here and give you a hand.

Count me in as another who hasn't done Clapotis. I love the way it looks though. I'm going to try it some day.

Rudee said...

She Knits,
It's all Joyce's fault. I was going to go buy yarn when I remembered my insane purchase of all this Sisik. The pattern is fairly easy and Joyce sent me a link for a knitting chart to make it easier for the simple....Like Me!

Anonymous said...

Let me know the night your co-workers follow you to that dark alley (or neighborhood)- I'll meet you there. Nobody treats my mummy like that!
....or if that's not likely to happen, you can take the advice I've recently been given and put those jealous big mouths in freezer!~ I'm going out grocery shopping and requesting PAPER not plastic just for the occasion!

= )

Rudee said...

Hey Sweetie (not honey), you are too funny! Will you be wearing your high heels in the alley? I will immediately put these women in the freezer! I don't know why I never remember my own advice. The freezer treatment does work as long as nobody inadvertently thaws the recipient out.