Friday, October 17, 2008

So, What Set Me Off?



I'm not always very forthright with the life I live on these pages. Some things just seem too private or depressing and if I bring you all down with me, there will be a run on Kleenex and Prozac. Nobody will be able to get out of bed. Soon, you'll blame me for your depression and stop visiting. So I don't write about these things often, choosing instead, to try my hand at creativity. This very special place is one I don't have to share with anyone and it is my refuge. Once in a while, I'll get really annoyed and that's when you'll see what is really bothering me put out there for all to see.

Last night's post began with what had originally set me off and ended up something entirely different. My emotions were in free fall. First was the panic I felt in my gut when I thought Rachel was home by herself with just the dog to protect her. That alone, sapped the adrenalin right out of me. Then, there was John McCain spouting off that Sarah Palin knows what it's like to have a child with special needs. Does she now? Where is that child we haven't seen since the convention? Who is caring for that baby? Her? Pfft! She's too busy riling up angry mobs of white men. Then, John went on and on about Sarah knowing about the needs of the growing population of autistic children. Really? On what grounds? Is the fact that she has birthed a child with Down's Syndrome made her an expert in autism? Give me a break. The republican party is hardly the champion of the disadvantaged now, are they? I don't need more lip service, I need help. I've had nearly 19 years of begging for help. Answers would be nice but money for research doesn't grow on trees. What if the answer for my precious child and the disorder that robbed her of her mind, lies in stem cell research? Who will help us then? Republicans? I think not.

These were just the muddy bits that got to me. What flung me over the edge is the caregiver who is once again, helping herself to my stuff. My flat iron was missing. Since I cut my hair short, I hadn't noticed it. When I mentioned out loud that it was missing, the damn thing magically reappeared a day later. Right where I'd left it. Hmm. I didn't overlook this bright turquoise flat iron-it wasn't there and then it was. Everyday, I come home to a puddle of caked on amber gunk sitting in the sink basin. I know what it is. It's the goo I use on my curly hair when it's a bit longer. That goo set me back $20 and someone with long curly hair is using it up. My perfume bottles are running very low too. I don't use that much perfume. Ordinarily, a bottle lasts a very long time. The current favorites of hers seem to be MY bottles of Lovely and Dolce and Gabbana Light Blue. They're running low in record time. It frosts my ass when I come home and smell my perfume or hair spray on her! Today, she opened the seal on a catalogue that came in the mail, addressed to me and read it while I watched. Right in front of me, she opened my mail!!! Isn't there a law against that? I can't stand that. IT'SMINEIT'SMINEIT'SMINE!!!! It's like living in a house full of sisters who know no boundaries. I keep telling myself soon. Soon, I'll move all my "stuff" out of this house and I won't have to share my personal belongings with anyone else. Soon.

That's what set me off. When I started writing it all down though, I started to see the words flow in a different direction: toward the heart of the matter. When I reread what I'd put down, I felt a little panic all over again. I thought about deleting it as one of those posts that are too private to put out there. I'm glad I didn't. I needed to hear words of encouragement. I know that everyone who left a comment is someone I don't really know. Still, your compassion and empathy makes me feel hopeful. I'm glad I didn't delete it and I'm so grateful for your support.

Tomorrow, I promise to lighten it up around Casa de Rudee. I have got to tell you about Mr. Larger Than Life and his fixation with autumn leaves.

Photo: Google Images

12 comments:

Winifred said...

You know I think television has a lot to answer for. Well not really the TV it's the people running the stations.

I have to say I'm sick of the US elections and we in the UK don't see anywhere near as much as you do.

Luckily we only get a month of sheer torture when the general election is called in the UK. So they don't get too long to harrass us. Sadly people here are so bored with politics and disillusioned with politicians most of us just don't bother watching. Not very responsible of us. However it's one way to avoid depression which the BBC are determined to inflict on us by constantly reporting on the financial crisis. They almost seem determined to make sure we are on the brink of another depression and given the chance they'd tip us over.

I've decided to switch over to the radio. They are always so cheerful there and don't take anything too seriously. My favourite station is Radio 2 and the funniest programme is Wake up to Wogan. The DJ is Terry Wogan, he's 70, an Irishman who always has me laughing with his inane wittering and rambling. The music is good too.

His followers are just as daft as he is and the emails have me in hysterics sometimes. I've often cried with laughter on the way to work and that's really what we need at the moment.

I'm currently listening to him on the lap top. One of the wonders given to us late risers to be able to go to the BBC website and listen again to things we can't be arsed to get up to listen to in the morning.

I can't believe your daughter's carer. What a waster! Calling her a caregiver is a bit of a misnomer. She's a taker. Well a thief really. Can you get rid of her? Not permanently, just out of your house.

Keep posting Rudee, it usually does help to get these things off your chest as they say. I've just read your posting about your neighbours. Good grief! I've seen films with neighbours less horrendous than yours. Can't you write a film about it and at least make some dosh out of it?

Sorry this rambling probably isn't helping. I'll give it up now. Keep your chin up pet.

laurie said...

i agree with you about mccain. i wondered, when i heard him say that, if he thought down syndrome and autism were one and the same? or he just didn't care enough to get it right? it was offensive and it told me volumes about the man.

as for the caregiver, i know you rely on her and i know you don't want to piss her off, but you have a few choices. you can lock up your stuff... or you can simply ask her. tell her nicely that your stuff is not hers, and that your mail is private.

hard to do, i know, especially since you rely on her so much and don't want her to quit in a huff or take things out on your daughter. but she needs to know she can't continue to act as if your house is really hers.

Brenda said...

Rudee,
When my husband and I need to vent we do so and then remember some funny lines from movies to go with it all. My life has been one of many ups and downs and it has made me a very good listener. Like you say on your blog under your picture..There is nothing a good cry can't fix. Ha...classic. Also, I hope you never change your picture. I don't think I will change mine. I like being a little girl.
Sometimes I use creative visualization. Instead of doing or saying something that I may live to regret later, I play out scenes in my mind. For instance, I may challenge the caregiver who is so extremely rude and thoughtless to a food fight and smash pies in her face and perhaps after I have cherry pie on her hair I will style her hair with it and then go into her purse and use her stuff while she is trying to clean off the cherry pie filling off her eyes, while I say "See, how do you like it when someone uses YOUR stuff!"
Aren't you glad you do not have my mind?!?!?! HA HAHAHa

Have a great day!

The Crusty Crone said...

oh gawd... I can so relate. Every time you turn around something slaps you in the face.

I thought of you and all the other families with 'special needs' folks when I heard McCain say that about Palin. Its been my experience that anything having to do with humans is voted down by the Republicans. And Palin is a horrible practical joke. And its not funny.

I've never heard anything good about folks who work with special needs people. I hope there are some out there, but... I don't know. Sigh.

I just hope you feel free enough so that any time you need to vent you do it. I know it helps me when I "get it off my chest."

(psst... have you considered making your comments be a pop-up style rather than a full page? It helps me to go back to read the post again to verify my memory.)

Rudee said...

Winifred-I'd rather poke out both eyes with a knitting needle than watch one more episode of The Dog Whisperer. That's what I've been doing to avoid politics here.

Laurie, you're right of course, but every time I complain about something, she feigns back pain. That worries me more than the perfume, mail and hair goo.

Rudee said...

Brenda, I am laughing over your visual imagery. What a waste of cherry pie (my personal favorite). I will try it out though. Who knows? Maybe it'll help me cope for these next few months as we make this transition.

Crusty, just for you, I changed to the pop up format. I think.

Rose said...

You know I wondered the same thing about McCain/Palin. How does having a Down's Syndrome child make you an expert on Autism? I pray they don't get elected and I'm worried about it. As for sharing, I just had a rant with my 8th graders yesterday about "my stuff" I don't want to share, ESPECIALLY with people who don't ask. It's the arrogance of the borrower that gets to us I think. Hope you have a good weekend.

Anonymous said...

Hey sis. If you think its only the perfume; makeup; or mail; you have another thing coming. Confront her. If she doesn't curtail the activities....It may be time to make that tough decision.

FTM

PS. Rachel's uncle Fudge can and will fill in at a moments notice!!!

Sandy said...

Rudee, damn I got mad reading this. Mad at the person who is dipping into your stuff, because, it's like a violation. It's not like she is family or best friends. I can so understand your anger ...at that Palin broad, ..I was wondering just that this morning, where is her baby...

as she is talking about special needs with people.

I'm glad you wrote out your thoughts and didn't delete it.

I wish I could do that. Problem is, all my family has my links so it's not like I can vent or anything, which I would if I felt free to.

hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

"Does she now? Where is that child we haven't seen since the convention? Who is caring for that baby? Her? Pfft! She's too busy riling up angry mobs of white men."

This last part seems kind of racist, since there is nothing racial in her campaign.

I've seen Palin with the child other times. I've also seen Palin-bashers who bash her for HAVING the child with her. I guess she can't win can she?

She has increased special-needs funding 12% in Alaska. The republican party is indeed "the champion of the disadvantaged"

The situation of parents with special needs children is similar, no matter what the special needs. I know this from experience.

McCain's wise choice of Sarah Palin has made special-needs issues part of the Presidential campaign, where it never has been before.

"What if the answer for my precious child and the disorder that robbed her of her mind, lies in stem cell research? Who will help us then? Republicans? I think not."

Actually, the GOP supports stem-cell research. There are plenty of existing lines to research from. They just oppose killing people to start new research avenues.

Rudee said...

Dear Anon, welcome to my site. I do manage to get along well with most people and those with different points of view can and do leave them here though most are brave enough to leave a name to accompany their comments.

I think you more or less missed the gist of my story. It was a story about how stressed and overwhelmed I feel at what I'm going through right now with my profoundly impaired adult daughter.

Betty Flocken said...

That's plain awful.. You don't take other peoples STUFF. What's wrong with her! I also hate that shallow advice from people who have NO idea what you're going through AND you're right! With a special needs child, you have NO idea the first year, what you're really in for. I'm sorry about this Rudee. Glad you've shared it on your blog though