After about a week of feeling like death warmed over, I finally did a bit of work around the house. I always listen to music when I clean. I plugged in the ipod and selected a Christmas cd (Stockings by the Fire) my niece had gave me last weekend. Out of the blue, while mopping the floor in the kitchen, I was overcome with a feeling of holiday spirit. I'm sure in part, it was the music, but it's a feeling I haven't felt in what seems like forever. For many reasons, it seems I'd lost what used to bring me joy at this time of year. In fact, I'm usually just beginning descent into a mild to moderate
depression funk I attribute to diminished sunlight and so much loss.
For five years, I've not felt like celebrating this holiday. It's probably been a little longer, perhaps since the death of my dad in 2002. Two years later, my best friends daughter was hit by a car and did not survive. In 2005, my mother in law died after an 8 month battle with cancer. In 2006, it was my mom who passed. So much loss just sapped my joy. It seems it's been one catastrophic event after another and truly, I've had a hard time feeling anything but grief through the holidays. Half of these years, I've been downright Scrooge like. I'd go through the motions with my sights set on January and a reprieve from the holiday farce I had to endure. This is huge for me, this reawakening of spirit. I don't know what's done it. No ghosts of past, present or future have come to visit me in my sleep, but I feel the spirit deeply. I had to quell the desire to start putting up Christmas decorations. Seeing as I haven't even planned Thanksgiving, that seems like a wise thing to do.
Nevertheless, I'm getting excited and thumbing through recipes. I called to invite my brothers for Christmas dinner. I feel an urge to bake Christmas cookies. Beware, for soon the flour shall fly! I want it to snow. Big, fat flakes of snow to cover the landscape. I want to pop It's a Wonderful Life into the dvd player. What has gotten into me?