Saturday, November 15, 2008

Can't Explain

After about a week of feeling like death warmed over, I finally did a bit of work around the house.  I always listen to music when I clean.  I plugged in the ipod and selected a Christmas cd (Stockings by the Fire) my niece had gave me last weekend.  Out of the blue, while mopping the floor in the kitchen, I was overcome with a feeling of holiday spirit.  I'm sure in part, it was the music, but it's a feeling I haven't felt in what seems like forever.  For many reasons, it seems I'd lost what used to bring me joy at this time of year.  In fact, I'm usually just beginning descent into a mild to moderate depression funk I attribute to diminished sunlight and so much loss.

For five years, I've not felt like celebrating this holiday.  It's probably been a little longer, perhaps since the death of my dad in 2002.  Two years later, my best friends daughter was hit by a car and did not survive.  In 2005, my mother in law died after an  8 month battle with cancer.  In 2006, it was my mom who passed.  So much loss just sapped my joy.  It seems it's been one catastrophic event after another and truly, I've had a hard time feeling anything but grief through the holidays. Half of these years, I've been downright Scrooge like.  I'd go through the motions with my sights set on January and a reprieve from the holiday farce I had to endure.  This is huge for me, this reawakening of spirit.  I don't know what's done it.  No ghosts of past, present or future have come to visit me in my sleep, but I feel the spirit deeply.  I had to quell the desire to start putting up Christmas decorations.  Seeing as I haven't even planned Thanksgiving, that seems like a wise thing to do.

Nevertheless, I'm getting excited and thumbing through recipes.  I called to invite my brothers for Christmas dinner.  I feel an urge to bake Christmas cookies.  Beware, for soon the flour shall fly!  I want it to snow.  Big, fat flakes of snow to cover the landscape.  I want to pop It's a Wonderful Life into the dvd player.  What has gotten into me?



Miss 376 said...

I don't think anyone can explain when or why it happens, but all of a sudden you realise that you feel different inside. Hope all the preparations go well and hope you have finally beginning to shake of this virus, Jane

Rositta said...

Oh rudee, I'm glad you got your joy back. I used to love Christmas, it was my parents favourite time of year. My Mom used to sit in the kitchen and watch me make cookies. Now it's hard for me to do. I will though this year, I'm baking for the neighbours before we head off to Calgary to spend Christmas with my offspring and the four grand children. That should do it right...Christmas is for kids...ciao
ps. maybe I should dig out some Christmas cds and listen to them. Glad your feeling better.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like your grief is starting to move into a different phase. I remember years ago, losing two beloved grandparents within two months, followed by the murder of my best friend who was on a Peace Corps assignment. It seemed like I would never feel happy again. But one day I woke up, and before I was really awake, I was thinking about riding my bike around a local lake, how nice that would be on such a beautiful day, and I realized I was starting to come out of it.

Winifred said...

It's lovely to hear that you're getting the zing back. I know exactly what you mean about losing the spirit of Christmas. I used to put off shopping for presents, sending cards as if doing that would stop it coming.

Having grandchildren has helped and I'm getting better at it. I've done a lot of my shopping already, so must be getting it back. Now if I could only summon up the courage to write the cards, that's what I really dread.

Brenda said...

I hope this joy makes its way to my home. I am not in the spirit yet at all. It still feels like Fall and we still have some leaves on the trees. November is a month filled with loved ones who have passed on for me. My Mom and Dad and twin sons, and a few other family members that passed just a few months before the holidays. My sadness comes and goes though, and the holidays are here and gone before we know it. Good music always lifts my spirit!

Anonymous said...

You have had so much stress and loss, no wonder you feel blue. The holidays make me feel that way too, it always brings up my grief issues. I wish I could feel the way I did as a child, I remember that feeling of happiness and excitement. I use to put all my focus on the girls, that use to help. This year, I'm going to do baking and decorate like crazy. Try to stay in the moment, look for moments of joy.
I hope you feel better!

Rudee said...

It's nice to know we're somewhat all in the same pot-so to speak. Grief just feels so much more poignant at this time of year.

My treat for your support is Aunt Tina's walnut bread recipe--a Christmas favorite. It makes a great gift (the recipe also makes A LOT). Check tomorrow and it will be here. I haven't made this in years, but this is THE year the flour will fly so I have to make this one for sure.

BJ said...

Oh Rudee....I'm so glad that you are feeling the spirit again. That is a very good thing that you want to get out the decorations...and go to town!

I think that at one time or another we have all felt depressed....especially if we have lost loved ones. What has really helped me is my grandchildren. They are such a joy to me and who couldn't get enthuastic around the holidays with them?

What an honest and down to earth post! I'm so glad you are feeling the joy this year. Hugs to you!

The Crusty Crone said...

The Christmas spirit is great when it hits! Good for you!!

And I'm so with you about watching Its a Wonderful Life. Its my one personal tradition... watching that movie. I almost know all the dialogue.

Snifffffff... yup, Christmas smells great, too. Baking, pine needles, cinnimon (sp?)

Lisa L said...

Rudee, so glad you're feeling better. We too had several years of multiple deaths in our family and well, it wasn't good. And I say put up the decorations, even if it isn't Thxgiving yet! Enjoy!