Thursday, April 29, 2010

Self Care Deficits

Lately, I seem tormented by making a big decision, and then once I do, I find it hard to admit I've made a mistake and fix the problem. Take the rug for instance. I still don't like it, but now that it's here, I lack the energy and drive to make things right. In the first place, it's too late to return it and start fresh (there are Leo hairs all over the damn thing), and in the second place, I just don't care.

I am apathetic.

In my dining room, there are no curtains. Anyone walking down my drive is free to peek into the room and see what's going on. Oh gee...look at that! She has her purse sitting right out on the counter for all of the snooping world to see. My problem is I don't know what I want. Do I want woven blinds? Do I want curtains? I can't commit, so there is nothing.

This problem is deep seated and overflows into all aspects of my life, but seems to point right back to that night in December when I made the worst possible decision I could, and got out of my car. My inner voice was screaming at me to get the hell out of there, while the devil on my shoulder was simultaneously calling me a coward. I let my psyche down by failing to pay attention to the right signals.

Though I'm sleeping better, it's not a normal sleep. At least twice a week, I take something to help slumber along. The rest of the days are spent waiting for the medications to wear off. Apparently, I'm sensitive to some drugs. While I've had no recent incidents at work, I spend the majority of my working time willing the hospice hot line to be silent. Now that's a trick.

Like every Wednesday, I saw the therapist yesterday. She asked me, besides knitting and reading, what I do to take care of myself. The question took me aback and I've been thinking about it ever since. Frankly, besides those stated interests, I don't take great care of myself and I could do better, if I could only muster enough energy to care.

Today, hoping to make a real change in my life, I saw a new psychiatrist. I refused to see the last one I saw, Dr. Charlatan. He sucked. This one really seemed to care and we've started a new plan of attack. Well, OK. Started is a strong word, but the new prescriptions are filled and I'm willing to keep an open mind about it all. I'm trying...really, I am.

I want my life back.


Miss 376 said...

I think mothers tend to look after everyone else and forget about themselves. Give yourself the time, and I'm sure things will improve. Hugs xx

Ruth said...

As Miss 376 said time will help, but right now.
Banish the rug to the guest room if its that bad.Window treatments - its summer soon so don't need for a while - just don't leave your bag visable.Don't try and make too many decisions - a lot of things can wait you will get around to them eventauly and if not do they really matter?
Be kind to your self, knit read, exercise. yogo, regular massage pedicure mediataion what ever might work. Take a mini break - go in to the city/ mall park by yourself have a meal and forget about everyone else. Take care my friend and don't think of yourself as pathetic!

Rose said...

Oh Ruth, you are doing the right thing, as you know, by changing therapists until you find the right one. Think about what you would tell a friend who was in your situation: you would tell her how much she is doing that is right instead of focusing on the parts that are in progress or static. Now do the same for yourself; we are so much harder on ourselves than we are on ANYONE else in our lives. Hang in there and forgive yourself for not listening to your inner voice that one time. Think about the many, many times you DO listen and shift your focus to that. And forgive yourself for being human. (this is the pot calling the kettle black, by the way)

Rose said...

And as for the window treatments? I did the same thing with my sunroom for over a year. A full year! I still don't like the choice I made, but I'll fix it one day.

SkippyMom said...

Good luck to you Rudee - I really hope you can absolve this issue of the past holiday and your safety. I truly pray you can find a way to cope and someone to help you.

I am always around if you need an ear to bend, 'kay? Hugs to you sweetie.

sapphireblue said...

You're doing the right thing about the therapist. I agree with the other ladies, if you don't like the rug, send it to the guest room.

Stephanie V said...

All good advice above. You sound overwhelmed by all the events of the past few months - the good and not-so-good ones. There's been a lot happening. Maybe slow is how you have to take it right now. Spin, knit and hide your purse. To heck with the curtains. Banish the rug.

Lisa L said...

curtains, schmirtans. don't worry about them. banish the rug to the guest room as ruth said. fill your rx's and be very, very kind to yourself. you're an amazing woman, gifted, intelligent, and trying to get over a horribly traumatic incident. you can also email me privately rudee, i'm on meds and the difference is phenomenal. they really. do. help. (((((rudee))))

Queenmothermamaw said...

Dearest Rudee, you made a good step facing the beast. Honesty with yourself. I am old as dirt and every time I think I am on firm ground with my emotional life along comes another roller coaster ride. I have been on meds most of my adult life and doing fine but sometimes I need a counselor and not use my kids. Today I found me one. I have a hard time being human. You know how all those stressors have a number and the more stressors the more numbers soon add up and make everything out of whack. You are on the right track for sure. Blessings

Gail said...

The world will not come to an end if you have no curtains. The rug can rolled up behind the couch and you may discover you love it again. later when you are ready.

I can say do something you want to do but knowing how I feel, I can't even put a finger on that.

You have multi-therapists with all of us.

You have gone through some major life style changes and have made some major decisions, it is only natural that you need to rest.

I am here.

Silliyak said...

I would just like to add that the Wings losing game one to the Sharks is no big woo either.

Brenda said...

My first instinct is to say, Be kind to yourself Rudee. You have been through many emotional changes since I have gotten to know you. I could name them all but you know what they are. I have had several years of therapy and meds and they help you get through the roughest parts, but things have a way of working out eventually. Everything will be just fine Rudee. Keep your chin up and shoulders straight.

jeannette said...

I think you need to explain to your therapist that knitting is something you LIKE to do, so that would be taking care of yourself:) (he probably sees it as work! some men don't understand that knitting is an art!!!)
...I like Stephanie's advice!

Rudee said...

You are all so wise, and kind. Thank you.

Sillliyak, the wings were molested by land sharks.
Candygram, anyone?

Michaela said...

Hi Babe, I have been thinking about you a lot. I went back and read what went down back in December, since I didnt really get it, not having known you very long. It seems to me that you are 1. Still experiencing the trauma of a near-death experience, and 2. Faced with a choice that pulls you apart, which is, to go with your calling and be a Detroit community pall.-care nurse, versus retreat to a safer job because of the high level of risk in certain Detroit districts. You are a strong, capable, and dare I say stubborn lady and Im guessing that you DO NOT accept defeat easily. No wonder you are stuck on the couch. (BTW my email is mrs.vis01 at and I would love you to write me.) xxxooo

NCmountainwoman said...

Having the right therapist is the single most important thing. I'm glad you are wise enough to change.

I have no advice, just empathy and blogger buddy support.

laurie said...

apathy comes from exhaustion. you've been through a lot--traumatic job stuff, a big move. we had no window treatments in our living and dining rooms for SIX YEARS. so cut yourself a little slack.

i like Ruth's advice.

Devon said...

I'm so sorry to hear how you have been suffering. It is awful to feel that paralyzing doubt. I wish you lots of luck and peace with your new doc.

As far as the rug goes, vaccuume? the hell out of it and try to return it, if they say no, then you really know it is yours to keep or give away.

maybe just get some cheap sheer curtains for a little privacy until you are more sure what you want. You haven't lived in that house long, sometimes it takes a while to get a true feel for what you want.

Have a great weekend! I have my knitting group over tonight... good times!

Kathleen said...

"The most radical thing a woman can do is rest."
--Bumper sticker

It took me 50 years to discover how critical self-care is. I had to think of it as EXTREME self-care just to do the simplest things for myself. I haven't got it down pat, but boy oh boy am I a believe now.

It's in no way selfish to care for yourself. No more selfish that having a nourishing meal.

You deserve happiness, Rudee, simply by virtue of breathing. Sending peace . . .

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Sandy said...

Catching up here and I have used that word apathetic so many times before in describing a mood I had fallen into. The reasons of course, are different but I can so "feel" that word when I read it. I hope you find what you need to spark that interest in taking care of yourself. I know the happening last Dec took a lot out of you. A hug for you.

And...I'll take that rug when you're done with it..ha. I love it! It is so "happy"..