IDRN UDLPN

I finally did it last night. I said the words, "are you an RN? Can I speak to The RN please?" The subtext is of course, you are a lowly LPN and unworthy of me even speaking to you. The reality is when one of my patients expires, it must be a RN who pronounces the death.

So I'm very sorry Nurse LPN, I know how it feels, but it had to be done. I'm quite certain you know what death looks like and are quite capable of listening to absent heart sounds for the required time. I'm also certain that when pressed, you know how to report a death to the medical examiner. I know why you were so passively aggressive toward me as I've been in your shoes.

One hundred and two years ago, when I first went to nursing school, I was looking ahead to my divorce and desperately needed a quick nursing program. Since I was going to be a single mother with bills to pay, I needed something that would get me a job somewhere rather fast. I chose a vocational program to be a Licensed Practical Nurse as my path of least resistance. It wasn't a bad little program and I learned a lot. Mostly, I learned that LPNs aren't highly respected-even when they're smart or have a boatload of experience. Many RNs and all administrators look down on them. I also learned there aren't too many jobs for the LPN. I had my choice of nursing homes to practice my trade, but that's about it.

My first job was at a horrendous little nursing home where the afternoon shift nurse (a RN), would prep the medications for the nightshift nurse. That's right. She'd take the pills for each patient out of their little identifying containers and place them in cups. The cups would go into a little well with the room number as the only identifier of the mysterious pills. This was to save the ONLY night shift nurse (me), some valuable time. Otherwise, I'd never get to go home and sleep. The most important things about a med pass, known as the five rights, are carved in stone AND written in Florence Nightengale's blood: right patient, right medication, right dose, right time and right route (and I didn't have to google the five rights to check these facts-neither did any nurses reading this.) Can you see the hamster in my brain having a massive seizure at this med set up? I remember asking the seasoned RN how I'd know which medication was which. She told me she didn't make mistakes. Okie dokie then. I quit after my one and only shift. I could not and would not work like this.

A bit later, I took a job at another nursing home. We had sixty patients on my unit, one RN, one LPN and one or two nurse assistants. The RN, a woman from India, seemed nice enough when I first met her. I thought, mistakenly, that she was joking when she told me, "IDRN, I Sit. UDLPN, udodmeds." What? For sixty people? Was she out of her mind? Apparently, she was. True to her word, she sat on her ass all night while I passed every single medication at midnight and then again, at 6 AM. Oh, she had lots of good tips about how to get this done quickly, none of them included her jumping in to help. I never finished my med pass before the end of my shift. Never.

Not once in one hundred and two years, have I forgotten DRN. I've not forgotten the way she made me feel either: small. Last night, not wanting to leave the confines of my home to go pronounce a facility death, I let the dreaded "RUDRN" leave my lips in a rather haughty way. I regret it. From DRN to DLPN, please accept my heartfelt apology.