Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Toolbox

When we moved here last year, we left behind the lifetime of tools we had accumulated. There isn't enough space to store them all here and with the exception of some duct tape, a wrench, one or two screwdrivers and a hammer, the toolbox junk drawer is primarily empty. A lot of my kitchen tools are still packed away, too. Although the kitchen is large enough, the appliances aren't trustworthy. After one or two forays into baking, I gave up trying. That oven is a real disappointment that I plan to remedy in about a month. The toolbox will be retrieved from Rachel's house, too, and we'll finally be reunited with those things we couldn't live in a home without. In the meantime, we're essentially living here tool-less.

Lately, as my saga with acute anxiety continues, I've been noticing another type of toolbox that's missing something: my bag of tricks I use for putting up with life's curveballs is fairly empty. I keep reaching inside to find a hidden coping mechanism I was sure I had safely tucked away and come up empty handed. I did get some rest this weekend, and even slept through my spinning circle on Saturday. Who says we can't find salvation (or a long, sedated sleep) with a little xanax chemistry?

Hoping to find an end to my current predicament, I had my first appointment with a therapist today and the toolbox is just as empty as when I first got there. I thought for certain that at least my bullshit barometer was working, but it would appear that's broken, too. After about an hour of talking, the therapist told me his schedule is full to overflowing and he would have to refer me to someone else. What? What was the point of this appointment? Sheesh. That's two meetings I've had that had the same sort of outcome in one week. To top it all off, his office was in a not so great area of town, down a flight of steps and into a deserted basement space where the door to enter his office suite was locked. Damn. Not exactly the best spot to send me in my paranoid state of mind, was it?

The entire appointment was an hour of completely useless mental gymnastics.

But I'm not giving up. Tomorrow, I'll call the number this guy gave me and I'll pursue a decent therapist. The xanax is handy, but 1/4 of the prescribed dose knocks me out for 8 hours straight, so I can't use it during the times I feel the most anxiety, like (hello?), when I'm awake. Apparently, when it comes to benzos, I'm a cheap date. Instead, I've been using my other drug.

Yarn, to be exact.

I'm knitting as fast as I can. My goal is to make it a full day without feeling my heart race once. It's getting better.

In the photo: 25% of a poncho I'm knitting for the three of us, including me, myself and I. The pattern, Erika, from Rowan Classic Winter Solstice, is knit in Rowan Alpaca Cotton. The pattern is fast, and the fiber is soft and warm. Who cares that the yarn is so dark it's hard to see the cables? I know I don't.


Miss 376 said...

Hope you can get something sorted very soon, but I think the therapy you have chosen is a good one. Comfort in the making and the wearing

SkippyMom said...

Grrr...that therapist makes me cranky. I am so sorry Rudee he wasted your time, but I hope you are able to find one that will help.

The shawl looks lovely - keep on knitting!:)

and PLEASE take care when the snow comes. Stay warm and drive safe. I'll be thinking of you.

Rose said...

I can see the cables and they're lovely. So, so sorry your guy was a dud, but at least you know to keep trying. A good one is life saving. My xanax dose is .25 and that works, but maybe I'm not as susceptible as you? Also, I'm rereading A Simple Abundance, which has lots of little suggestions to remind you of how to take care of yourself, in addition to knitting, which you know helps. Good thoughts to you.

laurie said...

i think finding a therapist takes a bit of time. you have to click. you have to find someone you trust. clearly this guy wasn't it.

keep going.

Anonymous said...

I love that shade of brown, one of my favourite colours.

Yes, what a waste of time, you will now have someone else getting to know about you I suppose.

CJ xx

sapphireblue said...

I'm sorry about the bad experience with the therapist. Panic attacks suck! Luckily, I am doing much better. Goodluck with the new therapist.

Your knitting is looking lovely!!

Miss T said...

A therapist with a creepy office? That is so, so wrong.

Stephanie V said...

Sheesh! I can't believe anyone concerned with improving people's mental health would be in a threatening place with a creepy office.

Hope the next one works out better. Up seems like the only direction left to go here.

Knitting is good...I can see the cables. Keep on clickin'

jeannette stgermain said...

I've an idea why the therapist's schedule is overflowing - You might want to check out the neighborhood next time before you make an appointment! (maybe you've never thought about this, but the neighborhood the office is in, sends a message about the kind of therapist you'll meet).
Take care, and hope you'll find a good one -too bad you're not living in the L.A. area -more than 30 thousand therapists here:)

Lisa L said...

i'm so sorry about the therapist. ugh. what a waste of time and a co-pay! i take xanax for anxiety and it works well for me...but,as you know, there is a lot of stuff out there that you may not have such a marked reaction to. recently a friend of mine was started on neurontin for anxiety..she'd previously been taking clonazepam. says it works well.who knew? keep looking for a better therapist. he or she will make all the difference. i'm sorry you're going through this rudee.

Ruth said...

A therapist with a creepy office as Miss T said so wrong - as is taking your money when no chance of further appointments - perfect for making you feel way worse. Hope you find someone you click with - meanwhile Knit and knit and talk to us and hopefully in the new house cook cakes and stuff.

We moved to our new place nearly 5 years ago - it had a realy sucky oven nothing worked so sort of gave up on cooking - if its not there you can't eat it. But did get a new oven eventually and am rediscovering the joy of a nice chocolate cake, scones straight from the oven. Being able to whip up something yummy to share with friends and family is a nice thing to do - makes you feel good about yourself.

Be kind to yourself while all this sorts out.

Quiltluver said...

What a M.O.R.O.N to take your money and waste your time. The good news is that you can do better than him. Hope you are snug at home with this snowstorm out there. Your shawl is looking very pretty.

Anonymous said...

OMG, I hope you didn't have to pay him. You got the yarn keep it going.My post tomorrow is about being worn out and tired of people and stuff.