Spreading My Wings

This is the week I should get out there on my own in my new role as a hospice nurse. I made quite a few visits on my own last week and some joint visits with a nurse educator. I also made several visits with nurses and social workers who acted as preceptors for me. I just need to perform a couple of tasks to demonstrate my competency and I'll be on my new shift. Surprisingly, I'm nervous. I don't want to make mistakes. It's so disconcerting to go from the top of my game to novice again.

After so many years, I'm a newbie all over again and I'm suffering a bit of anxiety. Last week, I dropped my keys in the car between the seat and the console and set off my car alarm looking for them. In front of a patient's home. It took me forever to get at those stupid keys. When I got things settled I drove off to my next appointment and had a panic attack thinking I'd set the paperwork on top of the car while looking for my keys. I didn't. The papers were in my visor. Jeeze Louise, I'm out of sorts.

The paperwork is extraordinarily involved. Most of the nurses are working with computers but not me. Not yet. I won't get my training until next month. I'm told, life will be easier once I do get my laptop. In the meantime, I'll deal with 32 page admission assessments. And, I won't be doing what another nurse in the area did-lose a laptop with patient data tucked safely inside and password protected. Not trusting memory, she taped her password and ID on the laptop. Uh-oh. Not so good for business. I am capable of learning from another person's mistake.

I think the hardest part of being in this role is giving up the ghost of the critical care nurse in me. Not the critical thinking part, but the rescue part. I want to rescue everyone. It's been pounded into me over the last 25 years that I need to think ahead and see what is coming. If you are part seer, then you too can be a critical care nurse. I know that I can't completely let go of those skills, I just need to use them differently. It seems odd to be telling people "don't call 911 in an emergency, call us first."

Most patients in hospice care, are doing this in their own homes. This is sometimes very difficult and I feel tremendously for their caregivers. All of a sudden, they've gone from relative or friend to the role of full time caregiver and often, with no preparation. I try to make extra time for just talking to caregivers and allowing them the opportunity to express their concerns and fears. This was always one of my better skills in a critical care situation and I'm hoping my new role allows me the time to continue with this kind of care. I think it will.

In the meantime, I'm burning some of my favorites for those long drives all over this city. I'm taking suggestions for good street and driving music. How about this one for a theme song?