Thursday, April 2, 2009

What's in My Head


We are putting the finishing touches on the old house-cleaning, painting, straightening and polishing everything.  As usual, it's just the two of us, my husband and me, who are doing this labor of love.  Since we've been doing this for nearly 20 years, I guess it makes sense that we would finish this job together.  Every couple of hours or so I have a meltdown and start crying.  My emotional stew is full of ingredients like guilt, fear, excitement and regret which is all simmering together in a spicy base of exhaustion.  I can't help but feel that this is a mistake-one of the colossal variety.  My husband channels his emotions through the manual labor involved.  There are only two days left to see how things all shake out and I am so worried.  I hope it all goes well for Rachel and us, but especially for Rachel.

Yesterday, while feeling particularly weak, one of the other moms dropped by to give us a check for April's rent and we got to talking.  I confided my worries and started to cry.  There are nothing but tears around here lately-I could use them for mop water.  I told her I was praying I wasn't making a mistake, and through her own tears, she told me she was sure it wasn't a mistake because what we'd done, was the answer to her prayers.  They have been waiting years for an availability to do this, but there were never any opportunities.  Every year they'd ask for placement, and every year, they were told there were no spots available-for 8 years straight-until now.  I'm going to take this as a sign that things will go well because this was meant to be.

The Lord works in peculiar ways.  I've always prayed that before I died, I'd get the opportunity to live a little.  Although being a caregiver was a career option, I never expected to be a 24/7 mother for my entire life.  I'm not abdicating my role as Rachel's mother, but I am giving away that (always on call) position as her provider of care.  

It's OK if I live a little, isn't it?


13 comments:

J'Ollie Primitives said...

It's OK. Really. It's OK to find that it's hard to let go of Rachel too.

You've worked your butt off to make sure that it'll be OK. Living a little is VERY OK.

Miss 376 said...

It will be ok, please don't feel guilty for enjoying the time you and your husband will have. You'll still be there for Rachel.

Lisa L said...

What you are doing is awesome. Providing a wonderful environment for these women, in a home setting no less. You are courageous. Be kind to yourself Rudee...You have gone above, and beyond. Its time for you. As J'Ollie said, living a little is very ok. xx

Rositta said...

It is absolutely okay to want to live your life, don't have a single doubt. In a very teeny way I can understand how you feel but guilt should not be an option. You have more than anyone I know...ciao and hugs

Brenda said...

What a blessing all of this is turning out to be for everyone. I really felt the mothers appreciation for what you are doing. It is just so hard to go through changes, I think. I really like the quote you have there at the top left. Sometimes we forget this, so it is a nice reminder. Be good to yourself Rudee. You deserve it!

Miss T said...

It's not just okay, it's your duty.

debra said...

It's a roots and wings thing for ourselves as well as for our children, isn't it. It'll be ok, you know, for both of you.
xox

WT said...

Don't ask me! In my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes. But it does seem to me that you've put a lot of time and effort into someone else's life, so it may be time to put some into yours.

Renie Burghardt said...

I agree with everyone else here, it's not only OK, you deserve to have a life, Rudee! The mixed emotions are only natural at this time, but you did the right thing, and you know that deep down.

Hugs and prayers,

Renie

Ruth said...

Change is not easy none of us like it - it is too difficult. So - as everyone else has siad it's OK to feel sad, grief guilty, even relieved and then you feel guilty for feeling relieved - all normal - it will pass.

There may be hicups along the way - but embrace the change with both hands and look to a different sort of future.
Ruth

Rudee said...

You are all really encouraging. I'm a little better tonight and only had one tiny meltdown at dinner. It will take time. I think that when all is said and done, I'm more than just this child's mother. I'm hoping, as my friend Jeanne tells me, that Rachel will blossom as a young woman. God knows (and apparently Jeanne does too) that I'm a wicked good enabler. If it's easier for me to just do what I want her to get done, I'll do it. I ran out of gas for being her occupational therapist a lonnnnnng time ago. I think she'll have a lot to show me in no time at all. Here's hoping.

Thank you all for your comments, and your concern.

Betty Flocken said...

Oh Rudee, I think it's more than o.k. I think you've worked it out the best way you could have. You've given Rachel some wings but she still has her nest and you've given the other women a place to live and their families some peace of mind too. I learned in a Religion class years ago, that Jesus rested in the bible to teach us it's o.k. From reading your blog all these months, I think you will have the time and freedom now to give even more to more people. And the ability to do what you want, when you want will be fantastic!

Sandy said...

I think it's okay you have a life finally and I can just imagine it will all work out.. But it's so understandable, the emotional ride you are on right now.