Dearest Madam:

I am sorry I let you down in some mysterious way. I am sorry that you tired of me and "swapped" me out for a damn Coach. A COACH!!! I. Can't. Believe. It. It wasn't even a special coach (and yes the lower case is definitely on purpose). It is a run of the mill black coach. Nothing special; nothing like me. I am confused and I feel betrayed. I thought you and I connected on a certain level. I thought we could continue to communicate in that unspoken language of love. I mean you even named me Sheila after the glamorous Sheila E. and in honor of the color of my skin. I thought that made me special to you. I guess not because it didn't really stop you from sending me away.......

You have no idea what I've been through and what SHE is doing to me. I mean one minute, I am sitting pretty in the lap of luxury:

and the next minute I am quite literally shoved into the corner of a grungy office in a scrapyard for god's sake. Here. Don't believe me? You don't believe SHE would really do that to me? Well, I have photographic evidence:
This is where SHE "parks" me--right up against that lovely puke green wallboard. What color do you call that? Chartreuse? I call it charpuke. Sheesh, SHE should know I clash with those colors. In fact, I think I clash with the whole environment! And the weight I've put on in just a little over a week? Huge. I long for the old days when the most YOU made me carry was a wallet, a cell phone, your keys and maybe a skein of yarn. What does SHE think I am? A trash hauler? My sides are bulging for God's sake. My shoulder straps are aching and sagging.

Oh we've done a few glamorous things to be sure. I have been in a limo, and I've been out to a few bars. I've been to the spa where I have seen many facials and one too many waxings. You do understand that we are not at the salon to receive services, we are there to provide them. I even witnessed a wrestling match with the women from the WWF. NOT GLAMOROUS! Blood was involved.

I have officially become a working handbag and frankly, I don't like it. Please reconsider and take me back. I promise to be good to you. I long once more to carry a skein of cashmere within me. I'll even settle for carrying plain old merino wool if you would just take me back.

Sheila