Tuesday, September 14, 2010

How low can I stoop?

Apparently, I have a few things to learn in the revenge department. Live and let live is a decent enough adage to follow through life and under most circumstances, will stand me in good stead. However, sometimes I have to resort to being underhanded to get what I want.

Empress Bee had a lovely story to tell about a neighborhood thief who kept swiping her newspapers that she had paid for. I loved how she handled the problem and put an end to petty, yet annoying theft.

Green with envy over how someone could bring a peaceful, if not messy, end to her problem, I think I channeled her a bit today. Mr. Larger Than Life is getting his pacemaker tomorrow afternoon. The hospital called me today with his instructions. Just the basics: be at the hospital at 12:30, nothing to eat or drink after 8 AM, take morning medications, shower well the night before.

Wait, wait, wait. What was that last item? A shower the night before?

Completely fabricated.

This man has not showered since his wife died 5 years ago.

I'll let you digest that.

Now use your imagination to consider how things must be smelling in and around him. A necessity bath only goes so far, and I was not going to lose the opportunity to freshen things up a bit.

Thanks, Bee. I hope it works.

21 comments:

Finding Pam said...

Rudee, I went to Empress Bee's blog and read the glitter story.
Are you saying that Mr.Larger Than Life is going to get glittered?

I think I missed something here.

Good luck with the surgery.

Rudee said...

Nope, Pam. I completely fabricated the hospital instructions to shower. It's common sense that someone would shower before letting a surgeon cut open skin, but then there is nothing common, nor sensical about what MLTL does.

SkippyMom said...

PERFECT RUDEE! And you aren't being underhanded at all - common sense rules here - I can't imagine how ripe the man is - and to leave his smelly self to the hospital is just gross. He should know better.

Doesn't he need meds for depression? Sounds like it.

Miss 376 said...

lol, for your sake, and the medical staff, I hope it worked.

Rudee said...

Skippy, he is on a boatload of mood stabilizers. Our only hope now is holy water.

WildeThymeKnits said...

You sly dog :) I LOVE it!

ari_1965 said...

Good move, Rudee.

While you're at it, perhaps you could doctor up a large bottle of bath oil with a label that says "Soaking in this Bath Oil is Guaranteed to Increase Penis Size by 50%."

Larger Than Life will pour the whole bottle into the bathtub in hopes of growing a whatsie the size of the Washington memorial, the bathtub will be very slippery, he will slip and hit his head, and you will look fantastic in the new dress you buy to wear at his funeral.

Rudee said...

Ari, he has already survived a head bleed and fractured skull. The man's head is made of indestructible steel. Of course, the inner workings are slightly askew, but he survived none the less.

Far Side of Fifty said...

Oh I loved your solution..and I enjoyed Bees glitter story too..way to go!:)

sapphireblue said...

Our f-i-l's must have come from the same bloodline. He sounds exactly like mine.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

you might want to take a lesson from Sarge too (hubby) and sprinkle on some ball powder!

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoox

Stephanie V said...

An elegant solution to a smelly problem. I like it!
I hope that his surgery produces a "change of heart". You all deserve it.

Winifred said...

Maybe a trip to Lourdes will help. Lots of holy water there. He could be fully immersed and have a bath at the same time!

Ruth said...

Made me laugh - love the plan.
Hope it works.

willowtree said...

So I guess this means MLTL is rotten both inside and out.

daylily (Queenmothermamaw) said...

Wow what a story. Can't wait to see what actually happens with the bath. You got that cat by the tail Rudee.
QMM

sue b said...

you are a saint for putting up with this

Quiltluver said...

OMG, that is too funny! I may have to borrow that idea for a certain relative...

Rudee said...

WT, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Brenda said...

I wonder what hospitals charge for a thorough bathing before surgery? They could sedate him and them clean him up really good. I doubt the insurance would pay for it...so he may get the bill.

NCmountainwoman said...

Nothing underhanded that I can see. Just a good nurse and an unbelievably kind D-I-L. You are to be commended, so I salute you!