Friday, June 24, 2011

How low can you go?

My fibery Friday offering: one completed and blocking Baby Surprise Jacket for my colleague's newborn

I've been all over the emotional hospice map this week and have encountered some very challenging moments. This, unfortunately, has left me feeling inadequate, and not a little low. At times I find myself wondering if I really make a difference, because on both Monday and Wednesday, I'm pretty certain I did not, but not through lack of trying. Some people just cannot be comforted when the will to live is at direct odds with the body's ability to survive. Suffice it to say, spiritual pain cannot be managed by any amount of opiates or anxiolytic drugs.

Who knew paprika was such a pretty plant?

Sigh...I tried. Even pastoral care was unable to make a difference. My heart is still so heavy which only demonstrates to me that it's once again time for a break. One more week.


Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

the sweater is lovely as is the plant. i am so sorry you are feeling low honey. i understand, daughter #1 is in the hospice field as well, she no longer sees patients though, you can only do that so long i think. she is now their compliance officer and is doing well in that slot. hope you feel better honey, really i do.

hugs, bee

Scribe said...

I experience the same thing when I have bereavement days on Labor & Delivery. Such as last Saturday. I still feel the horrid experience and the loss of the mother scraping at my heart... and I pray the next fetal demise I deliver will be far away from now.

Prayers for you.

I love that sweater, btw. On my yarn bucket list... I want to knit a sweater!

Rose said...

The type of work you do is hard in that you rarely see concrete results, but know that results are there, even if it's a year or more down the road. Much like teaching. We don't see "finished products", which leave us doubting, but the doubt means you are still engaged, don't you think? Glad you are recharging again soon.

Stephanie V said...

I am so glad that there are people like you in the world. And that you are sharing your skills and love. One more week.

Paprika? Isn't it beautiful!

Miss 376 said...

I am sure someone out there appreciated all your efforts, you do so well in such a difficult job.
I love the way the pattern falls with the jacket, looks great

sapphireblue said...

Hugs to you. Get some rest this weekend.

Love the sweater. It's adorable!!

Alice said...

Sometimes all you can do is your best, and then walk on.
Doesn't make you feel any better, but all you can do is show them the "light switch," they have to be willing to turn it on.

Beautiful sweater.

Paprika . . . is that the color, cuz it looks like a Yarrow?

(Paprika is in the pepper family, and I am allergic to peppers. Do you have ANY idea how many foods they color with paprika?)

Take a deep breath, it supposed to be Sunny tomorrow.

Brenda said...

Hugs! The sweater is adorable.

NCmountainwoman said...

I know just how you feel. Those "awful" deaths are so painful and the entire team suffers. Thank goodness most hospice patients do in fact have a peaceful end, thanks to wonderful and dedicated nurses like you.

Mimi said...

It shows to me what a caring person you really are. And that makes it very difficult when you can't help. Definitely you need a break, and a bit of tlc.
Paprika plant is Gorgeous, I've never seen one before, so thanks for sharing that pic.
Oh, and the little baby cardi is fab! Would love to be that baby!

laurie said...

you can only do what you can do. i'm glad you're getting a break.

Gail said...

Oh, Rudee, please know, you do make a difference. Your kindness, your care, your professionalism are all great tools.

You heart is heavy because it is such a sad, yet much needed, spot you fill.

Your sweater if beautiful. Your heart is too.

Finding Pam said...

Rudee, you are an angel of mercy. The day you stop caring and feeling so deeply is the day you will stop doing your job.

It is too trite to say that it goes with the job. I know you make a difference in the end of life for your patients. TLC and lots of rest. HUGS.

Emille said...

True, Rudee, the will to live and to heal has to come from within!! You can't do more than your best:)

Larjmarj said...

My dad spent over a year in hospice, you guys give more than you can ever realize.

I know what you mean about the days where you come home and feel like you haven't made a difference. Some days it seems like every patient I encounter is just an argument waiting to happen. I really wonder if some people even want to be well or independent.