Monday, January 18, 2010

Not Enough Bottles of Beer in the World

Today I'm going to play a little game. I'm going to set up a little scenario, and I'd like you to attribute some comments to one of the players.

Imagine the scene: Rudee has spent the day cooking a very ethnic birthday feast for her husband who worked all day long. She slaved over the stove making grape leaves, fatoush, lebneh with cucumbers and rice pudding. For the heck of it, she roasted a chicken in case some of the guests didn't want her grape leaves. She thought of everyone.

At around six PM, the small party of guests arrived including Rudee's son, daughter, her daughter's boyfriend, MLTL and lastly, the guest of honor. By seven, they were all partaking of the meal and Rudee was seriously working on her second beer. So now the stage is set and the evening of wit and repartee begins in earnest.

Who said these things?

1. "Rudee? Are you really part Belgian? No kidding? Really? Because if you really are, I found some Belgian cheese at the Italian market and I'm going to buy you a hunk the next time I'm there whether you like it or not.

2. Be sure when you read this, you let it all run on in one sentence to get a feel for what I heard:

"Rudee?are you drinking beer?you know, I used to drink beer, but I haven't had a drop in thirty years. my wife used to drink a lot of wine in fact she was quite a wino. what kind of beer are you drinking? you don't say? it has pumpkin in it? isn't that your second?

3. "You know Rudee, my father used to say only a Jew eats at the table with his hat on." Now picture that Rudee had a guest at the table who did indeed have a hat on during this very casual dinner and you also need to know, this was a blanket statement indicating both hat wearers and Jews are rude in this man's eyes. I never noticed or took offense.

I'm giving you three guesses at who had worst manners at dinner. If you guessed it was the same one who bought his son a used and pilling sweater at the flea market as a fiftieth birthday gift, made derogatory remarks about his dead wife and Jews, slurped his food, smacked his lips and chewed with his mouth open, you'd be right.

Next time, if there is a next time I invite this dolt, I'll start drinking hours before he gets here. Instead of the cheese, I hope he can find me some Belgian beer.

He's a mean old bastard.

The good news? The hat adorned young man figured out the directions for putting my loom together. For that, I paid him with an edible care package.

The old coot got nothing.


SkippyMom said...

Who was the more welcomed houseguest? I would say the hat wearing Jewish impersonator [I don't know if he was jewish, but, just saying-GOOD FOR HIM.]

Your FIL is a piece of work. I am surprised you didn't get any comments [racial] on the lovely meal you prepared - or did the old coot just focus on the chicken?

Rudee I have to say - I know we are supposed honor and cherish them, but it just comes to a point that enough is enough. The only thing that puts me on even footing with my Mother now is that we can't figure out who is going to be terminal faster [she is in the lead b/c of age, of course] but really - I can't put up with her crap [like your FIL] the way you do.

My time is too limited. The dinner sounds lucious and I am very jealous I wasn't there. YUM [oh, yeah - that's right I wasn't invited, heehee]

Tell your hat wearing guest that he has received a huge round of applause from Skippy. I know you are going to have fun tomorrow.


Ruth said...

The old coot only got what he deserved - nothing except the contempt that he deserves.
Glad your loom got sorted.

Rose said...

For a minute there, I thought you had THREE rude guests. In a weird way, I was glad to read that all the comments were from your FIL. Him, you know. No surprises, eh? But definitely increase your alcohol content at the next encounter. It can only help.

Brenda said...

I had to look up dolt. I had never heard that expression before. Ha...! I was trying to imagine your responses to these. Do you use eye rolls? Excuse yourself every few minutes and go in another room, and take a break, or tell him he is rude and insensitive. He sounds like someone that is really hard to handle no matter what you do. Glad your son figured out the loom!

Miss 376 said...

Oh well, one good thing came from the evening. I don't know how you all put up with him, you all deserve a medal

Gail said...

I will concentrate on the good of the had beer and mostly wonderful guests. The best part of all, the loom is assembled!!!

Finding Pam said...

You are a very kind woman. I might had said something I would regret.

What did your husband say?

Good luck with the new house, the kitchen is awesome.

Anonymous said...

Oh, the hat thing. That's a generational one, I think. I forgot that it also offends my parents until they mentioned my son wearing a hat indoors at Christmas. They didn't point it out as being offended by it, but you know--passive/aggressive always comes out. Me? Not offended. My house? Son can wear a hat.

Miss T said...

Sigh. Any way you can forget to invite him next time?

sapphireblue said...

Hmmm! Sounds like my FIL. Are they such a joy?

Stephanie V said...

Definitely more beer needed - by you. I suppose if his invitation was lost in the mail next year, he'd crash the party anyway?

Good trade on the loom set up, BTW. The care package would be delish, I'm sure.

Sandy said...

The old coot got nothing, hahaha!!!!

Funny post, even though he sounds horrid, ha.

Rositta said...

You sure have a cross to bear with that dolt. Too bad you have to keep inviting him. Kudos to you for being more patient than I could ever be. My grandsons wear their hats too, backward even and it used to bug my parents, me not so much. Good news about the loom, I can hardly wait to see what you make with it...ciao

Devon said...

Wow! You are a saint! Your husband must revel in your kindness, it couldn't be easy growing up with a father like that!

Anonymous said...

I did not know enough about the other guests to even suspect them of saying anything rude. I knew it was him. But thank goodness you got the loom fixed. You have good karma.

Anonymous said...


Jadekitty said...

So glad you had a handy guest :)

The Crusty Crone said...

I'm surprised His Rudeness was invited at all, but that's what family is all about. You're stuck with them.

Good luck.