Friday, December 27, 2013

An Eternity

Forever is a long time, and that's how long it feels since I've posted.  All is well here in my neck of the woods. I've got a new position at work that's part time working in the office every weekend.  Monday's are for recovery, Fridays are for girding my loins for the anxiety my new position doles out and I often pick up extra work the rest of the week.  Here and there, anyways.

I won't beat around the bush here…I initially came back here tonight to revisit a post I wrote when I said farewell to 2011.  The subject of my angst left this world today and while I thought I'd feel relief, I don't.  In fact, I've thought of this person more than she deserved in the past month.  I wish I could have found forgiveness for her in all of this time, but could not.  One sided forgiveness is really difficult and letting things go without getting to clear the air is a very difficult task.  As I said back then, it was mainly because it wasn't me who directly owned the problem and the true owner hates conflict. Still, this person's behavior had a long and lasting grasp on our little family.  Perhaps it's the pity others expressed toward her plight--themselves having forgotten the pain she gleefully inflicted on others--that bothered me most.  I could not forget and I have to say at times I think she got the best of me, even in her impending and subsequent death.  Well, it's over for sure now, and time to let her go for good, so I've come to bid her adieux.  I hope it's not too hot down there.

As I said in 2011, I'm still a work in progress.  I'll try better next year.

20 comments:

Silliyak said...

Missed/worried about you. Hope you start posting again. (This from someone who rarely posts anymore)

SkippyMom said...

I don't blog anymore, but do read - rarely comment.

I am disheartened by what a hard time you seem to be giving yourself.

Rudee you're one of my oldest "friends" and one of the most astute, kind and loving women I know. I am proud to know you.

I did go back and read the other post - and all I can say is we are all human. Your feelings are a product of who we are and normal - they are not to be discounted, or thrown aside, but?

You need to remember the core of who YOU actually are. To me and others that know you that core is what I said before, and my I add one more word? You're wonderful.

No, they weren't great emotions you experienced, but anyone who says they haven't felt them at some point in their lives [i.e. our ages or older] probably would be a fibber.

You're fine. We miss you lady.

Take care. I am sending my love and can you toss a biscuit at Leo for me? Miss him too. :)

And the purple shawl? STUNNING.

Have a blessed new year my friend. You deserve it. x0

Mimi said...

aw Rudee, you're such a good and honest person. I re-read your 2011 post too, and there is nothing in it that many of us haven't felt too, if we're honest, really honest.
It's difficult when someone passes on, we want everything to be at peace, complete, but it's not always possible, and we have to accept that.
Some people are hard work!
Lovely to see you back (I've been absent too!) and wishing you a very Happy 2014, filled with many beautiful, happy moments.
SkippyMom is right...you're wonderful.

Finding Pam said...

I have worked on forgiveness for many years and I finally realized that in order for me to move forward, I had to forgive that person. It's not about letting that person off the hook, but about forgiving that person, letting go of the pain and moving forward. It is about yourself and no one else, especially, the other person.

Rudee, I have missed reading your post so much. Like me, you are too hard on yourself. You are a remarkable woman with so much kindness and love for mankind. Stop beating yourself up. You deserve forgiveness.

Gail said...

So glad to hear from you! I have been checking on your blog and thought maybe you were tied up in yarn while cooking.

I, too, am a work in progress. Kinda like the Native American story of two wolves inside us, one good, one bad fighting each other. The winner is the one you feed. I have fed both often!

Your anger at injustice is a tiny part that makes you the wonderful person you are. Give it a bone.

I miss you and Leo.

Peggy Jones said...

Rudee a woman of courage and forthrightedness. I know a few folks like you described. I would rather be peaceful than right. You will find that to be true in your wisdom. Hope your new position works out good for you.

Rose said...

Thinking about these things is difficult but it is what makes you the person you are. Glad you shared and hope to read you more often!

Brenda said...

Glad to see you do a little update here. I am a fallen away blogger also. UMMM.....not sure if I can read between the lines about this person and what happened...but it sounds like it was a very painful situation for you. I have lots of family members, former friends, etc. that I have had to let go. I was never sure weather or not any forgiveness needed to have taken place for either party. Sometimes life just is what it is.

Stephanie V said...

Hmmm...there seem to be a few of us lapsed bloggers. Reading your words, I realize how much I have missed hearing your `voice`. Hope to see you again soon. I do want to wish you a Happy New Year...all the best in 2014!

SapphireBlue said...

I've missed you lady. I do hope you post again soon.

The Bug said...

At Christmas this year my husband asked me to go with him to his brother & sister-in-law's house on Christmas Eve. I haven't been in a few years because she doesn't really like me & said some really nasty things to him one time about me. But this year I thought, well I can't even remember what she said or why I'm mad, so I guess I'll go.

All that to say that Mike is more like you - he feels hurts and wrongs deeply and holds onto them even when he'd like to forget. I would wish that both of you were more like ME - sometimes a faulty memory works in our favor!

So good to see you here. Come back again!

Rositta said...

Forgiveness is a strange thing really, it's not something you can force yourself to feel. I too had someone in my life that caused great hurt both to myself and my offspring. I have never forgiven him and I but all I felt was relief when he died. My offspring on the other hand still harbors the the hurt and it affects him in ways he doesn't realize. I wish he would be able to let it go for his own good. It is good to see you back...ciao

sandy said...

Blogger is being slow lately not sure this will post!

Anyway just wanted to wish you a great 2014. Hope all is going well in your life.

Relationships are so complex at times and difficult.

Linda said...

So glad to see an update from you. Hoping that 2014 finds you kind to yourself. You've been missed!

Linda said...

Glad to see a post from you! Hope that 2014 is good to you....you have been missed!

Winifred said...

Hello Ruth! Hope you are well. I've missed you and your wonderful musings on life never mind photos of your fabulous knitting.

I'm a lapsed blogger too but full of good intentions for the coming year. Makes it harder to blog when you only have one computer between you!

laurie said...

these people have a lot of power, for good or bad, and when they're gone they leave a vacuum for sure, and a lot of unresolved feelings. give yourself a break, and time to work through all that. and i'm glad she's free of her pain.

Knitty said...

I hope your days are brighter now. I also hope you will one day return to blogging.

Best wishes always....

Brenda said...

Where are you Rudee?!? We miss your blog posts!

Winifred said...

Like Brenda I miss you & your posts. Hope you & your family are well.

Tried your email but that doesn't work now. Take care.